Today is that day.

I have drawn the line.

On one side of that line is where I was the last few months. I seem to have forgotten that I have the power to control my circumstances. And in that memory lapse came a horrible struggle that left me feeling defeated. I haven't posted (or even written for that matter) since July. And the last two months have been crap piled on top of shit. Every time I tried to sit down and write all that would come out was whining and complaining about all the shit that was going on. And it wasn't helping at all. It just made me feel worse. It was a vicious cycle of self-pity and more bad energy that manifests from all that negativity. It was exhausting. And it left me feeling stressed out, and very unwell. I have written before about my tendencies to seek instant gratification when I am in times of turmoil. There is nothing to be gained instantly. Every bit of comfort I would seek would inevitably leave me feeling much worse in the end.

So here I am, on the other side of that line. Over here there is no more feeling sorry for myself. I just went back and re read my "Take the Power Back" post. (sorry no link, it shouldn't be too hard for you to find if you want to) and even though that post was born out of anger, I still need remember the strength I felt after writing it. It was incredibly empowering. And today, for the first time in months, I am starting to feel that power again. It is up to me to turn this around. No one will do this for me. Its my life, I'm driving the motherfucking bus right?!?! Its time to be good to myself. I am more than ready to leave the last few months far behind me.

Do you hear that friends? That's optimism in my voice.

Onward and upward.

This is too funny not to share!

I got this email today from a guy I work with. I honestly cannot stop laughing. I keep looking at it and every time I do, I laugh till I cry!!

They found Chris Farley. He was reincarnated as a 3 yr old girl…….

I am DYING over here!!!!

Getting it off my chest

So, I had total breakdown Sunday night. If you got a random and unusual text message from me (I sent a few – Hi Tara!!), now you know why, I had temporarily vacated my head.

I really don’t know what sparked it. I was at backyard cookout with some friends, having a really good time. Pretty much everyone there was married and a lot of them were asking me what happened with Brian and I, and then Brian called out of the blue which sort of sent me into a tailspin and I proceeded to get pretty drunk and then BAM! Meltdown.(I walked home before I melted down, thank goodness there was no public spectacles or anything and its also a good thing my friend only lives a block away) So I sat on my bed and sobbed and screamed for a good hour. It felt pretty good to get it all out. I am totally pissed at myself that it happened in the first place though. I should be stronger. I should not be upset by shit like this.

I do know that I am spending too much time stressing over shit I have no control over. Its just so much all at once. Of course there is the whole wishing oranges could be apples thing. I’m just banging my head against the wall with that. Other contributing factors (in no particular order):

• Ex husband completely disappeared. Hadn’t heard from him in almost a month. The kids were asking me daily where daddy was and I had no idea how to answer. :( He finally called me on Saturday with some bullshit excuse that he’s “had a rough couple of weeks”. Unless you are in a coma, there is NO excuse for not calling your kids. I had had it up to here with that man and I just tore into him. I really didn’t want to go back there. I was finally at a point where I could have some sort of civil relationship with him and now I am back to carrying around all sorts of hate and anger. I don’t want it, dammit!!

• I have some sort of medical problem going on. Docs cant figure out what it is. I don’t feel horrible, but I am getting these weird pains and they are running all sorts of tests and giving me all kinds of drugs till they figure out what the hell is going on. I am really tired of not being well. I just want this to be over with.

• Money. Need I say more?? There is never enough. Shit just keeps coming up to take more of it away from me.

Ah well. Such is life right? I’ll get over it or through it or whatever. Hopefully without too many more breakdowns.

Apples and Oranges – a metaphorical comparison.

Lets just say for a moment that you could never have both apples and oranges. You had to choose one or the other. And if for some reason, you decided to pick the apple but snuck a bite of an orange, then you could have neither.

So, for arguments sake, lets compare the two:

Apples are comfortable. They give you what you need every time. Completely reliable and somewhat predictable. There is a degree of satisfaction that you glean from the apple. Because of its predictable nature, you can pretty much get whatever response you want from it. If you need comfort, there it is. If you need affection, you got it. The apple pretty much delivers each and every time. Consistant, but a little boring.

Oranges are exciting. Just the thought of the orange can give your tummy those fun butterflies. The orange is somewhat mysterious. An enigma. You never know how that fruit is going to taste until you bite into it. Some days it can be the sweetest thing you have ever tasted, and then the very next time you try it, it can be bitter and hard to swallow. But the sweet days, oh the sweet days, are so intoxicating that you can almost forget when it disappoints…..almost.

I thought about the idea of making a scrumptious fruit salad. How cool would it be to take the best parts of each fruit and have them both at once? But honestly, this entire discussion is pointless because I cant have apples. Not anymore. I have developed a sensitivity to pectin or something and I can no longer eat them. If I did, it would be bad. I just wish I could make the orange a little more apple-like. Honestly, I really enjoy the excitement I get from the orange. It is a hell of a lot of fun. But I miss the reliability and the comfort of the apples. I don’t think the orange can ever be capable of providing me with that.

While I realize that there is a lot more fruit out there for me to taste, I know some things for sure.
~I have to stay away from the apples. Looking to them for comfort will only cause me to get a tummy ache.
~I cannot let myself get attached to the orange. Because there is a very real possibility that the fruit will turn bitter on me. And I don’t want to keep going back for another taste and get sour time after time. That doesn’t sound like fun.

I wish I didn’t like fruit so much. But I don’t think I would any be happier if I went the rest of my life without it. Whats that old saying? Its better to have tasted the fruit and gotten sick then never to have eaten fruit at all???

Yea. Something like that.

No more DQ Blizzards for lunch.

That pan post was incredibly cathartic. It really got me thinking. And now I want to elaborate on the whole deal and maybe dig a little deeper and see what I unearth.

 

You see, I have found myself falling into old patterns of self destruction. I have been making some really stupid decisions lately that are not in my best interest at all. And that’s nothing new for me. When I am dealing with things (or putting things off and waiting to deal with them as the case may be) I tend to seek out instant gratification without any care or concern of what tomorrow will bring. And especially at times like these, I really should concentrate on taking care of myself. I am too old to carry that state of mind. Really. I guess it was ok when I was in my early 20’s. The bad decisions and their consequences had a much lesser impact then. But now I have more to lose. And I am fucking smarter than that. I know I am but I am not behaving as such.

 

 I seriously piss myself off sometimes. I just wish I got me better. I do shit that makes no damn sense. And the thing is, outwardly, I am a very intelligent person. I have come so far in life. From where I was even just 5 years ago, to where I am right now is perfectly remarkable. But when I look at who I am today and the way I think and the way I act, I cannot fucking believe it. Like I have done all of this despite myself. I suppose the only bright side is that I have been here before. I am not in unfamiliar territory. And that helps to make me think that this too shall pass. I know that I will not only get through, I will overcome and come out stronger on the other side. But right now. Right now? NOT FUCKING GOOD.

 

I really would be much better off if I dealt with adversity better. If my struggles were met with more confidence and less of whatever the fuck I think I am doing to myself now.

 

Sheesh….hopefully by the time I hit the big Four-Oh I will have gotten my shit together.

 

hopefully

 

 

Only like, the best analogy - EVER!!!

Seems like all I am able to write about lately is silly surface crap . Stupid diets and other such trivial nonsense. I started plenty of times to sit down and let the words sort of spill out, but I must be in self preservation mode. I am pretty sure I have thrown up a couple of blocks to not allow myself to go anywhere too deep. Its understandable. And oh so typically Carrie. I guess for me it is easier to block or bury the feelings then it is to actually deal with them. Sure the buried emotions are likely to surface later as an eating disorder or a chemical dependency, but why worry about later when I can be pain free and oblivious now?? (that was a joke. Please don’t send me any emails asking if I’m ok or anything)

All kidding aside, I don’t think I actually bury the feelings, at least not permanently. I just push them away for a while until they are no longer too uncomfortable to go near. I guess what I am saying is, I am letting the burnt pan cool down before I attempt to wash it.
How’s that for a fucking analogy?? Huh? That was some good shit there!

I will get to the burnt pan. I will. I will dissect the mess and eventually clean it up. The pan might not get totally clean. It might be scorched or scarred. But that will just add character and integrity to the pan. And for those who might be worried about me, either about my state of well being at the moment or about how I will come out on the other side of the fire. Please know this, I really do love that pan. Its my favorite as a matter of fact. And I will treat the pan well and do what I can to preserve it. I promise. But right now, that pan is just way too hot to touch. It kind of sucks to know that I started the fire that burned the pan. And it also sucks to know that the pan wasn’t all that got hurt. There were other casualties of this reckless arson. And I’m afraid there isn’t anything I can do about that now.

Who knows what the future holds for me? Anything can happen.
Me and my pan are going to make it through just fine.
We always do.

Summation.

OK so I only journaled the first three days of that stupid diet.

 I was super busy at work on day 4 and days 5 and 6 I wasn’t home.

Heres the wrap-up….. Didn’t really do much for me. I did lose 6 lbs but after two days of eating somewhat normally, I have gained two back. So I just lost a lot of water weight.  I did find out though that I feel pretty darn good when I give up the dairy. I think that might have to be a permanent change in the diet. I felt less bloated, less sluggish, and had way fewer tummy problems. So that’s a really good thing.  And I am extremely happy to report that I have been feeling wonderfully lately. I seem to have regained a fair bit of energy and enthusiasm. I cannot tell you the last time I took a nap. That is pretty frikkin huge for me. I used to be a daily napper. And on weekends, my naps would be 3 or 4 hours long. I had nothing on my plate all afternoon yesterday and the kids were with their dad and I didn’t even nap then. Amazing! I used to spend so much time feeling tired and crappy. And it seems that lately, that somehow just lifted. I don’t really understand, but I sure am psyched about it.

 

So that is all you have to hear from me on that stupid 6 day diet thing. Thank you for your patience, we will now return to regular programming.

 

 

 

Day Three:

I hopped on the scale today and I am down another lb. That makes 5. Not too shabby, but I know it aint fat I’m losing and I will probably gain it all back once I start eating normally again. So remind me again why it is I am doing this??

 

Ugh. Anyway, I was super busy at work today, but totally pre occupied with food. Someone brought cake into the conference room! I hate that person whoever they are! Oh how I wanted that cake! I am not doing very well with eating as much and as often as I should. That’s why I am pretty sure I am not losing any body fat. My clothes don’t fit any differently. But I am going to keep up with it. I have challenged myself to go the whole 6 days and I am going to do it.

 

Didn’t work out yesterday. Gonna really try to make up for that tonight.

 

I will check back in tomorrow.

 

 

Day two:

Whoa! I hopped on the scale this morning and I am down 4 lbs!!! I know it aint fat. I don’t think that’s possible. But I like to see the scale moving. I will be honest with you and say that I know exactly why I lost the LB’s. It seems that my body did not want to hold on to anything I ate or drank yesterday. I had to run to the bathroom for complete and urgent eliminations very frequently. (yuk, I know, sorry) I like to think that it is all my body fat liquefying and coming out my ass. If that’s the case, then I will gladly continue on. Much easier to get it out that way then to actually burn it off! OK that’s enough of that – that’s even too gross for me.

 

Day two is gonna be rough. I know it. I have no appetite whatsoever. The thought of food makes me ill. How the hell am I going to choke down six meals? I guess I should at least try. I spent all that time packaging them up for myself.

 

I will probably add more later. Right now, I’m gonna try to eat some hardboiled eggwhites with no salt…yum.

 

 

Day one:

Its 3 pm and I have already filled up my 20 oz water bottle 4 times. (that’s 80 oz for those of you who are mathematically impaired) I thought it would be harder to drink that much water, but its working out fine. The food is bland but tolerable. Its not a lot of food, I just don’t like having to eat so often. But day one is almost down, and I am hanging in there. Not too shabby.

 

Although I really do want to go home and re read the book to see if beer is allowed. I could really use a beer.

 

Oh well.

 

 I will update you on the status of my progress in the am.

 

 

 

 

 

Pardon my appearance...

I am currently under construction.

 

The content of this blog over the next few days will be a little different as I chronicle my newest undertaking. A bunch of women I know have done this 6 day diet thing and have seen amazing results – so, of course, being the fucking lemming that I am, I’m gonna do it too.

 

Here is the lowdown – you have to eat small portions of certain foods 6 times a day according you’re your body type which you determine by answering some questions in the book. (I am a Type B, by the way)  Small amounts of lean protein (chicken, turkey, egg whites, and fish) plus a cup of veggies or some amount of brown rice. That is pretty much it, but you gotta drink 100 oz of water and continue working out.

 

I think I can handle that. Shit, I’m pretty sure I can do anything for 6 days. And I need to do this, for several reasons:

1) I don’t eat enough. I know I don’t. I think my body is constantly in starvation mode because I have no regular eating schedule and most of the time I don’t eat any meal but lunch. NOT GOOD. I hope this will help to get me into a better routine and kick start my metabolism. 2) I cannot fit into ANY of my shorts from last year. Ugh. I have been doing really well with taking care of myself lately but I need to see better results because I can feel my motivation draining. 3) the big three-oh is next week. If I can do anything to feel even a tiny bit better about that – I am going to do it. I am not depressed about turning 30. But I am disappointed in myself because I thought for sure I would have more, be more, done more, by this time in my life. So at the very least, I wont be disappointed in myself because my pants aren’t fitting well.

 

If this works well, there is an expanded 6 week program I might try. Why the hell not?

 

But I do intend to journal the diet because I think it will help to keep me on track, I have never been very much of a regimented person. And I am going to journal it here because I aint about to go and create another blog just for this.

 

Sorry if I bore you to pieces over the next few days with this. But, you know, this is my blog. Get your own if you don’t like it.

 

I’m kidding! Don’t go away! Please. I think like 4 people actually read here. I value each and every one of you. I promise to try to inject as much wit and humor into my posts as possible to keep you entertained. OK?

 

 

 

 

Sheesh.....(alternately titled: Ramblings)

I have been at work for eight hours already (only two more to go!!) and I haven’t won a single game of solitaire yet. I think that means I should pack it up for the day. I am obviously not meant to be here.

 

I met a girl today. I think her name was Shannon, I will have to find out for sure. Anyway, she is going to be working in the plant my company is building. I got the best vibe from this girl, like, immediately. She reminded me so much of my friend Erin from back in CT. I miss her friendship so much, I think about her often. Anyway, I hope my first instinct about this girl is correct. I am going to chat with her a little tomorrow.

I like new people. And she’s got definite friend potential.

 

I am on day freakin thirty four of a cycle that is only 28 days in normal women. I am so damn sick and tired of dealing with this womanly crap. Right now, I feel so tired and fat and bloated and cranky. No fun. And I really want to feel better immediately because…..

 

I am going out with some peeps from work tonight. I am really looking forward to that. This whole reality of actually loving my job and wanting to hang out with the people I work with is so wonderfully foreign to me. I would duck into a different isle at Wal-Mart to avoid running into the people from my last job. I hated every one of those assholes. But this is way different. I really like everyone here and we usually have a great time when we get together after work. So I hope my crampy, bloated, yukkiness goes away soon so I can enjoy myself tonight.

 

I realized recently that I don’t have any plans. At all. For anything….. Summer plans, Birthday plans, vacation plans, life plans. Nada.

I need to make some plans. I feel loserish with no plans. That task seems a bit daunting, I mean, plans can be anything from going out for lunch to writing a novel. That’s a big ole blank canvas. I think I will start small, but think big. I like my plan to make plans. I’m feeling pretty good about it.

 

 

More later………

 

 

Welcome to the world baby girl!!

Sadie Reese Brown

5/25/07

3:20 am

8 lbs 0 oz

20 inches long

I cannot wait to meet you little girl. I love you more than I can explain, and I haven’t even set eyes on you yet. It seems like I have been waiting so long for you to get here.

Congratulations Jean and Steven. Thank you for bringing my darling niece into this world. I cant wait to start spoiling her!

Indeterminate State

I don’t know where the hell I am anymore. In……out……up……down……I am everywhere, and that means I am nowhere in particular.

 

I am continuing on, doing my thing.

I get up every day and go to work. I still have laundry, and child rearing, and dishes and bills. I’m alive. But I don’t feel like I am really living. I find myself too often wishing the time away. Just getting through until I feel OK again.

 

It’s the strangest thing….I am not single, yet I am by myself. He is not really mine anymore, but he is far from forgotten. I am very lonely, but still very much in love.  

 

So here I sit. In limbo. I am caught in the purgatory between the demise of the life I had formerly, and finding out what is yet to come. But I have learned that in order to look forward to the future, you must first scrape together some determination and hope. Determination to plow through the crap that is holding you back and hope that what you will find on the other side will be worth it.

 

And that, my friends, is where I find myself stuck. I can’t seem to find that hope and determination just yet, because I am still grieving what was lost. Right now, I am not OK with the fact that I cant go back to what I had before. I will never have that again, its been too long and too much has changed. And that makes me very sad.

 

 

I will eventually be OK.  I know this.  But I might need a bit more time.

 

Take the power back!

I love Rage Against the Machine…..Love…..Them.

Have since high school. The lyrics to that song are not at all relevant to the theme of this post (the song is very political), but the title of the song is exactly where my head is right now. And the feel of the song is very fast and angry. It suits me pretty well at the moment. So well, in fact, that as soon as I leave work today I am going to put this CD on in my car and rock the hell out. Indeed, now on to the post................

Yes, I am saying this because I feel as though I have relinquished some of my personal power. I am not sure how it happened. Maybe I gave it away to appease others? Maybe I just stopped fighting to keep it. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I have had enough and I am taking my power back, dammit!

I am NO LONGER going to allow someone else to have the power to hurt me. I will NO LONGER allow someone else to have the power to make me feel like shit about myself. And most of all, I will NO LONGER allow myself to feel powerless over my circumstances.

I am driving this motherfucking bus. Next stop, HappyTown. Watch out if you try to get in my way because I just might run your ass over.

That’s me, taking my power back. Beep beep.

On making change:

The only difference between a rut and a grave

 is their dimensions.  ~Ellen Glasgow

 

Why is it that instituting change is so damn hard? I can adapt well to change. I can manage changes. I can organize, illustrate, and plan changes. But for some reason, I cannot institute change. At least not where it matters…… Me.

 

I can (and have) come up with lists and lists of things I want to change about myself and my life. These lists can be (and have been) very specific with bullet points and action items. Not only can I recognize the need for change, I can plan the entire process of orchestrating the change beautifully. I can come up with a detailed, step by step plan of how to actually make the change, and still never follow through. The journey is completely mapped out for me, but I continually fail to leave the comfort of home base. Here is what gets me…. Where I am now, the metaphorical home base if you will, is not comfortable. I am not even happy for Pete’s sake. The delay in change and the turmoil I am feeling surrounding my failure to change is really wreaking havoc on my emotional well being.

 

So, here is the dealio. I am currently pretty stinkin unhappy with a bunch of crap in my life. My health, my finances, my ability to effectively manage my day to day life. And I know exactly what I am unhappy with. EXACTLY. Its not like I am struggling to identify what is bothering me. And if I know what is wrong, it is pretty simple to figure out what I want, right? It’s called clarity through contrast. Identifying what you don’t want leads you to know what it is that you DO want – which would be the opposite of what you don’t want…… DUH!!

 

OK so that is all good right? Recognizing the need for change and knowing what needs to be done to effect this change. Good. And good.

 

But the most important part, actually making the change, is where I fail time and time again. I don’t understand it. I am not afraid of change in any way. At least I don’t think I am. If you ask anyone who knows me in real life, they will tell you that I am sort of impulsive, a free spirit if you will. I have never once thought of myself as set in my ways. But I must be. I have to be for this to be so hard. Holy crap I might be having a breakthrough here.  I kind of want to poll my friends and family now to find out if they see me as stubborn and resistant to change. What if they do? WHAT IF THEY DO????? What if the image I have been holding of myself is completely incorrect? I don’t know if I am prepared to deal with that. 

 

But on the other hand, it might be easier for me to deal with. Because if I am stubborn, I can see that as a legitimate obstacle and work through it.  It certainly sounds better to me than having no clue why I have always seen such miserable failure in this arena.

 

Yea, I think I’m gonna roll with that. Maybe, just maybe, if I view myself as being completely obstinate I can focus on improving that, and I will be able to make other positive life changes in the process.

 

Hmmmm?

 

I know I haven't blogged in a while

But I just wanted to drop in real quick and say a big fat CONGRATULATIONS to my friend Nik!!!

 

I am so happy for you!

 

 

 

General Update

 

Niice! Email blogging is cool. To anyone who walks by my office right now, it totally looks like I’m diligently working away here.

 

This might be totally random. I will try to stay on track and not ramble too much.

 

1. My sister is getting so close to delivering her baby. She only has 6 weeks left until her due date!! It is so exciting, I can barely stand it. She sent me a picture of the babe from her last ultrasound but I just figured out how to blog from my email, don’t expect pictures ever again! Did I tell you she was having a girl? Yep and I know the name! But it’s a secret so I cant tell. I will proudly announce all the statistics when that sweet little girl decides to make her entrance.

 

2. Work is starting to wear on me. At first I thought the whole 4 day work week thing was cool but now I see that it aint all that its cracked up to be. My typical work day looks a little something like this. Alarm goes off at 4 am. I hit snooze at least once. Coffee, shower, dress, hair, makeup by 5. Kids up, breakfast, dressed, lunches/snacks packed, backpacks on, and all our collective crap together to be ready to walk out the door no later than 6 am.  Drop the kids off at daycare and get on the road to be to work by 7. Work till 5:30 get to parents house (they get the kids after school –daycare is closed by the time I get home) pick up the kids and am walking back in the door of my house around 6:30. An hour and a half to do dinner, homework, baths, load of laundry, and prepare for the next day and put the kids in bed at 8. I don’t go to bed much later than they do, you know, cause I’m up at 4. So even though I have three day weekends every week, I still feel like I have less time because I get NOTHING done on the days I work. And the weekends are a scramble to catch up. Look at that schedule, do you see anywhere I can fit in a trip to the grocery store?  The job itself is pretty cool. I really like it for the most part. I would totally go into more about this place and the people here but they all know how to google. I’m not that naïve or stupid.

 

3. Brian is moving out. We are “taking a break” And no, it is nothing like the “We were on a break!” storyline on Friends. We aren’t breaking up, we aren’t seeing other people, and we aren’t even angry or upset with each other. We have just come to a crossroads and we need some time apart to make sure we are going in the right direction. It sucks. I’m really going to miss him. But I’ve got a pretty good feeling about the whole thing. I really do think it is going to be a great thing for us. I’m sure you will be hearing a lot more on this subject in the coming months. He will be gone from May-September. He’s going to Alaska of all places. Might as well be going to China. Seems like a world away.

 

 

OK. That is plenty of updating for now.  Its been a while, so I will have to update in batches.  Thanks for reading, you get a gold star for making it this far.

 

Testing

I haven’t been able to get onto blogger from my home computer. I have no idea why. I can view my blog, but when I go to open blogger to post or edit, my damn PC freezes up and I cant get nowhere. I really didn’t want to risk blogging from work, but I snuck on yesterday and set it up so I can blog from my email!! I am quite proud of myself that I figured out how to do this. Now I really just hope it works! If it does,  I will be back to update. Its been too long.

 

Crossing my fingers and hitting send……………………

 

The Mind-Body Continuum

First of all, can a girl get some props for spelling continuum right on the first frikkin try?? I asked spell-check, and it agreed. I am a genius…..

Speaking of geniuses (how’s that for a segue?) Albert Einstein is credited with the idea of space-time continuum. In introductory terms it is basically the concept that recognizes the union of space and time. It’s also why we now measure distance in units of time (e.g. light years) Read up on it if you like, it gets really mathematical and sciency, but if you can tough it out, it makes for great conversation at cocktail parties.

I brought that up because I have recently been slapped in the face with my idea of the mind-body continuum. The body and the mind are like parallel wavelengths and if something is affecting one, it WILL reflect on the other as well.

We have all had really long stressful days that manifested themselves physically. The tension headaches, the tightness in the neck and shoulders. And anyone who has had pain or illness for any length of time will attest to the negative effects on their mental stability and wellbeing.
It’s there. It’s real.
And it sucks!! Physically, I have been feeling pretty shitty lately. And I think its making me crazy. Ask anyone who knows me in real life…..I don’t need any extra crazy. I got more than enough. As (lightheartedly) indicated in my last post, I am trying to be more conscious of my awareness. I only have one shot at this life and I don’t want to waste it by being wrapped up in negativity. But this meat suit that is harboring my spirit is hampering my intentions of releasing positive energy into the universe. It is so hard to think good when you are feeling bad.
It’s quite a conundrum.

I wonder what the Dalia Lama does when he catches a cold???

An open letter to the Universe:

Dear all-knowing, all-powerful formless substance,

As I hope you already know, I am working very hard at perfecting the art of positive thinking. I am meditating daily and making a conscious effort to emit only positive energy.

So far so good, Universe.
Thumbs up, really, I am all about the spiritual enlightenment.

But, here’s the deal, stupid people keep fucking up my chakra. How am I expected to find my way on the noble path when I keep having to hurdle dumbasses?
Come on, throw me a bone here woudja? I am trying really hard.

Ok, so honestly, how is this supposed to work? I’m supposed to love thy enemy and shit right? What if I said "I would LOVE for you to leave me the fuck alone."?
Does that count?
Or maybe… "I would LOVE it if you weren’t so damn stupid."??
Am I getting warmer?

I’ll bet people who live in those homemade 10’x14’ shacks out in the middle of the woods are super enlightened. They have nothing but the lack of amenities and furry woodland creatures to piss them off. Outside of the mail bomb thing Ted Kaczinski was probably close to shaman status, huh?

I read somewhere that gratitude was incredibly important to being at one with the Universe. (see! I’m reading and doing research! Give me a few spiritual brownie points for that) If my sideways approach to loving my enemy doesn’t work out for me, maybe gratitude will be the trick to my tolerance of them…..
I am eternally grateful for the stupidity of others as it makes me look that much smarter. I am so happy and grateful that every day my patience is growing as it is constantly being tested in some sort of maddening stupidity endurance trial.
How’s that work for ya? If I incorporate those words into my daily mantra, can you and me still be good? Please say yes, because I am beginning to see how old Teddy started thinking about wrapping up those special packages of his.

Your faithful student,
Carrie


Post blog note..... I certainly hope the universe has a sense of humor.

The ressurection of the blog

Poor blog.
Sadly, I have let’er go to the island of misfit blogs with all of the others that started out with the best intentions but were abandoned due to neglect. It’s not the blog’s fault. Blame the blogger. I have no excuse. I can't say that I have been too busy, because that would be a lie. I have been preoccupied with the couch and reruns of Top Chef.... But busy? Nah. To be honest, I did construct a few blog entries that I tried to post but I am too technically deficient to make them look the way I envisioned them to and I got frustrated and gave up. Typing and posting? Got that. Inserting photographs and attempting HTML? Not so much. In an abandoned file on my desktop contains all you need to know about our Halloween (yes, it has been since OCTOBER! since I last posted) our Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other life events, that started out as inspired blog posts and were left to perish in that sad lonely file.

But regardless of the reasons why or how my absence occured...I'm back baby!

2007 came along quick didn't it? And 2007 is the year I will turn 30. The Big Three Oh.

No better time to dive head first into the project that is “finding carrie”. And this web log can be a valuable tool. A ruler I shall use to measure progress, reflect change, and steer me back onto the path should I lose my way.

I have a whole lot going on in my life right now. I started my new job in December, and so far its cool. It sucks much less than the last job I had, thats for sure. (I wonder what those miserable cows are up to now? Choking on karma I hope) And I can see good things coming from this job. I might actually find out what I want to be when I grow up. That would be pretty cool.

My sister is having a baby! Definately look for future posts on this. I am up to my elbows in baby shower planning right now. I am way over the moon excited about becoming an aunt. I am going to spoil the crap out of this kid. Good stuff. I wish I was smart enough to share pictures.

what else?............ummmm. I will also post updates about the kids and homelife and such. I appologize to my friends and family members (and adoring fans) who use this blog to keep up to date with my goings on. I feel as though I have neglected you too.

I will do better.

Pinkie swear!