Getting it off my chest

So, I had total breakdown Sunday night. If you got a random and unusual text message from me (I sent a few – Hi Tara!!), now you know why, I had temporarily vacated my head.

I really don’t know what sparked it. I was at backyard cookout with some friends, having a really good time. Pretty much everyone there was married and a lot of them were asking me what happened with Brian and I, and then Brian called out of the blue which sort of sent me into a tailspin and I proceeded to get pretty drunk and then BAM! Meltdown.(I walked home before I melted down, thank goodness there was no public spectacles or anything and its also a good thing my friend only lives a block away) So I sat on my bed and sobbed and screamed for a good hour. It felt pretty good to get it all out. I am totally pissed at myself that it happened in the first place though. I should be stronger. I should not be upset by shit like this.

I do know that I am spending too much time stressing over shit I have no control over. Its just so much all at once. Of course there is the whole wishing oranges could be apples thing. I’m just banging my head against the wall with that. Other contributing factors (in no particular order):

• Ex husband completely disappeared. Hadn’t heard from him in almost a month. The kids were asking me daily where daddy was and I had no idea how to answer. :( He finally called me on Saturday with some bullshit excuse that he’s “had a rough couple of weeks”. Unless you are in a coma, there is NO excuse for not calling your kids. I had had it up to here with that man and I just tore into him. I really didn’t want to go back there. I was finally at a point where I could have some sort of civil relationship with him and now I am back to carrying around all sorts of hate and anger. I don’t want it, dammit!!

• I have some sort of medical problem going on. Docs cant figure out what it is. I don’t feel horrible, but I am getting these weird pains and they are running all sorts of tests and giving me all kinds of drugs till they figure out what the hell is going on. I am really tired of not being well. I just want this to be over with.

• Money. Need I say more?? There is never enough. Shit just keeps coming up to take more of it away from me.

Ah well. Such is life right? I’ll get over it or through it or whatever. Hopefully without too many more breakdowns.