Sadie Reese Brown
5/25/07
3:20 am
8 lbs 0 oz
20 inches long
I cannot wait to meet you little girl. I love you more than I can explain, and I haven’t even set eyes on you yet. It seems like I have been waiting so long for you to get here.
Congratulations Jean and Steven. Thank you for bringing my darling niece into this world. I cant wait to start spoiling her!
I don’t know where the hell I am anymore. In……out……up……down……I am everywhere, and that means I am nowhere in particular.
I am continuing on, doing my thing.
I get up every day and go to work. I still have laundry, and child rearing, and dishes and bills. I’m alive. But I don’t feel like I am really living. I find myself too often wishing the time away. Just getting through until I feel OK again.
It’s the strangest thing….I am not single, yet I am by myself. He is not really mine anymore, but he is far from forgotten. I am very lonely, but still very much in love.
So here I sit. In limbo. I am caught in the purgatory between the demise of the life I had formerly, and finding out what is yet to come. But I have learned that in order to look forward to the future, you must first scrape together some determination and hope. Determination to plow through the crap that is holding you back and hope that what you will find on the other side will be worth it.
And that, my friends, is where I find myself stuck. I can’t seem to find that hope and determination just yet, because I am still grieving what was lost. Right now, I am not OK with the fact that I cant go back to what I had before. I will never have that again, its been too long and too much has changed. And that makes me very sad.
I will eventually be OK. I know this. But I might need a bit more time.
Have since high school. The lyrics to that song are not at all relevant to the theme of this post (the song is very political), but the title of the song is exactly where my head is right now. And the feel of the song is very fast and angry. It suits me pretty well at the moment. So well, in fact, that as soon as I leave work today I am going to put this CD on in my car and rock the hell out. Indeed, now on to the post................
Yes, I am saying this because I feel as though I have relinquished some of my personal power. I am not sure how it happened. Maybe I gave it away to appease others? Maybe I just stopped fighting to keep it. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I have had enough and I am taking my power back, dammit!
I am NO LONGER going to allow someone else to have the power to hurt me. I will NO LONGER allow someone else to have the power to make me feel like shit about myself. And most of all, I will NO LONGER allow myself to feel powerless over my circumstances.
I am driving this motherfucking bus. Next stop, HappyTown. Watch out if you try to get in my way because I just might run your ass over.
That’s me, taking my power back. Beep beep.
The only difference between a rut and a grave
is their dimensions. ~Ellen Glasgow
Why is it that instituting change is so damn hard? I can adapt well to change. I can manage changes. I can organize, illustrate, and plan changes. But for some reason, I cannot institute change. At least not where it matters…… Me.
I can (and have) come up with lists and lists of things I want to change about myself and my life. These lists can be (and have been) very specific with bullet points and action items. Not only can I recognize the need for change, I can plan the entire process of orchestrating the change beautifully. I can come up with a detailed, step by step plan of how to actually make the change, and still never follow through. The journey is completely mapped out for me, but I continually fail to leave the comfort of home base. Here is what gets me…. Where I am now, the metaphorical home base if you will, is not comfortable. I am not even happy for Pete’s sake. The delay in change and the turmoil I am feeling surrounding my failure to change is really wreaking havoc on my emotional well being.
So, here is the dealio. I am currently pretty stinkin unhappy with a bunch of crap in my life. My health, my finances, my ability to effectively manage my day to day life. And I know exactly what I am unhappy with. EXACTLY. Its not like I am struggling to identify what is bothering me. And if I know what is wrong, it is pretty simple to figure out what I want, right? It’s called clarity through contrast. Identifying what you don’t want leads you to know what it is that you DO want – which would be the opposite of what you don’t want…… DUH!!
OK so that is all good right? Recognizing the need for change and knowing what needs to be done to effect this change. Good. And good.
But the most important part, actually making the change, is where I fail time and time again. I don’t understand it. I am not afraid of change in any way. At least I don’t think I am. If you ask anyone who knows me in real life, they will tell you that I am sort of impulsive, a free spirit if you will. I have never once thought of myself as set in my ways. But I must be. I have to be for this to be so hard. Holy crap I might be having a breakthrough here. I kind of want to poll my friends and family now to find out if they see me as stubborn and resistant to change. What if they do? WHAT IF THEY DO????? What if the image I have been holding of myself is completely incorrect? I don’t know if I am prepared to deal with that.
But on the other hand, it might be easier for me to deal with. Because if I am stubborn, I can see that as a legitimate obstacle and work through it. It certainly sounds better to me than having no clue why I have always seen such miserable failure in this arena.
Yea, I think I’m gonna roll with that. Maybe, just maybe, if I view myself as being completely obstinate I can focus on improving that, and I will be able to make other positive life changes in the process.
Hmmmm?
But I just wanted to drop in real quick and say a big fat CONGRATULATIONS to my friend Nik!!!
I am so happy for you!
