Indeterminate State

I don’t know where the hell I am anymore. In……out……up……down……I am everywhere, and that means I am nowhere in particular.

 

I am continuing on, doing my thing.

I get up every day and go to work. I still have laundry, and child rearing, and dishes and bills. I’m alive. But I don’t feel like I am really living. I find myself too often wishing the time away. Just getting through until I feel OK again.

 

It’s the strangest thing….I am not single, yet I am by myself. He is not really mine anymore, but he is far from forgotten. I am very lonely, but still very much in love.  

 

So here I sit. In limbo. I am caught in the purgatory between the demise of the life I had formerly, and finding out what is yet to come. But I have learned that in order to look forward to the future, you must first scrape together some determination and hope. Determination to plow through the crap that is holding you back and hope that what you will find on the other side will be worth it.

 

And that, my friends, is where I find myself stuck. I can’t seem to find that hope and determination just yet, because I am still grieving what was lost. Right now, I am not OK with the fact that I cant go back to what I had before. I will never have that again, its been too long and too much has changed. And that makes me very sad.

 

 

I will eventually be OK.  I know this.  But I might need a bit more time.