They found Chris Farley. He was reincarnated as a 3 yr old girl…….
I am DYING over here!!!!
So, I had total breakdown Sunday night. If you got a random and unusual text message from me (I sent a few – Hi Tara!!), now you know why, I had temporarily vacated my head.
I really don’t know what sparked it. I was at backyard cookout with some friends, having a really good time. Pretty much everyone there was married and a lot of them were asking me what happened with Brian and I, and then Brian called out of the blue which sort of sent me into a tailspin and I proceeded to get pretty drunk and then BAM! Meltdown.(I walked home before I melted down, thank goodness there was no public spectacles or anything and its also a good thing my friend only lives a block away) So I sat on my bed and sobbed and screamed for a good hour. It felt pretty good to get it all out. I am totally pissed at myself that it happened in the first place though. I should be stronger. I should not be upset by shit like this.
I do know that I am spending too much time stressing over shit I have no control over. Its just so much all at once. Of course there is the whole wishing oranges could be apples thing. I’m just banging my head against the wall with that. Other contributing factors (in no particular order):
Ah well. Such is life right? I’ll get over it or through it or whatever. Hopefully without too many more breakdowns.
Yea. Something like that.
That pan post was incredibly cathartic. It really got me thinking. And now I want to elaborate on the whole deal and maybe dig a little deeper and see what I unearth.
You see, I have found myself falling into old patterns of self destruction. I have been making some really stupid decisions lately that are not in my best interest at all. And that’s nothing new for me. When I am dealing with things (or putting things off and waiting to deal with them as the case may be) I tend to seek out instant gratification without any care or concern of what tomorrow will bring. And especially at times like these, I really should concentrate on taking care of myself. I am too old to carry that state of mind. Really. I guess it was ok when I was in my early 20’s. The bad decisions and their consequences had a much lesser impact then. But now I have more to lose. And I am fucking smarter than that. I know I am but I am not behaving as such.
I seriously piss myself off sometimes. I just wish I got me better. I do shit that makes no damn sense. And the thing is, outwardly, I am a very intelligent person. I have come so far in life. From where I was even just 5 years ago, to where I am right now is perfectly remarkable. But when I look at who I am today and the way I think and the way I act, I cannot fucking believe it. Like I have done all of this despite myself. I suppose the only bright side is that I have been here before. I am not in unfamiliar territory. And that helps to make me think that this too shall pass. I know that I will not only get through, I will overcome and come out stronger on the other side. But right now. Right now? NOT FUCKING GOOD.
I really would be much better off if I dealt with adversity better. If my struggles were met with more confidence and less of whatever the fuck I think I am doing to myself now.
Sheesh….hopefully by the time I hit the big Four-Oh I will have gotten my shit together.
I’ll tell you all about myself (in 500 characters or less) in the aptly named intro below. However, first I feel I must warn you that if you are in any way offended by profanity, you should probably leave. I enjoy vulgarity, after all it is the spice of life, is it not? So, that’s your warning, if something you read after this offends you, its your own fucking fault.