Thursday, July 26, 2007

This is too funny not to share!

I got this email today from a guy I work with. I honestly cannot stop laughing. I keep looking at it and every time I do, I laugh till I cry!!

They found Chris Farley. He was reincarnated as a 3 yr old girl…….

I am DYING over here!!!!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Getting it off my chest

So, I had total breakdown Sunday night. If you got a random and unusual text message from me (I sent a few – Hi Tara!!), now you know why, I had temporarily vacated my head.

I really don’t know what sparked it. I was at backyard cookout with some friends, having a really good time. Pretty much everyone there was married and a lot of them were asking me what happened with Brian and I, and then Brian called out of the blue which sort of sent me into a tailspin and I proceeded to get pretty drunk and then BAM! Meltdown.(I walked home before I melted down, thank goodness there was no public spectacles or anything and its also a good thing my friend only lives a block away) So I sat on my bed and sobbed and screamed for a good hour. It felt pretty good to get it all out. I am totally pissed at myself that it happened in the first place though. I should be stronger. I should not be upset by shit like this.

I do know that I am spending too much time stressing over shit I have no control over. Its just so much all at once. Of course there is the whole wishing oranges could be apples thing. I’m just banging my head against the wall with that. Other contributing factors (in no particular order):

  • Ex husband completely disappeared. Hadn’t heard from him in almost a month. The kids were asking me daily where daddy was and I had no idea how to answer. :( He finally called me on Saturday with some bullshit excuse that he’s “had a rough couple of weeks”. Unless you are in a coma, there is NO excuse for not calling your kids. I had had it up to here with that man and I just tore into him. I really didn’t want to go back there. I was finally at a point where I could have some sort of civil relationship with him and now I am back to carrying around all sorts of hate and anger. I don’t want it, dammit!!

  • I have some sort of medical problem going on. Docs cant figure out what it is. I don’t feel horrible, but I am getting these weird pains and they are running all sorts of tests and giving me all kinds of drugs till they figure out what the hell is going on. I am really tired of not being well. I just want this to be over with.

  • Money. Need I say more?? There is never enough. Shit just keeps coming up to take more of it away from me.

Ah well. Such is life right? I’ll get over it or through it or whatever. Hopefully without too many more breakdowns.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Apples and Oranges – a metaphorical comparison.

Lets just say for a moment that you could never have both apples and oranges. You had to choose one or the other. And if for some reason, you decided to pick the apple but snuck a bite of an orange, then you could have neither.

So, for arguments sake, lets compare the two:

Apples are comfortable. They give you what you need every time. Completely reliable and somewhat predictable. There is a degree of satisfaction that you glean from the apple. Because of its predictable nature, you can pretty much get whatever response you want from it. If you need comfort, there it is. If you need affection, you got it. The apple pretty much delivers each and every time. Consistant, but a little boring.

Oranges are exciting. Just the thought of the orange can give your tummy those fun butterflies. The orange is somewhat mysterious. An enigma. You never know how that fruit is going to taste until you bite into it. Some days it can be the sweetest thing you have ever tasted, and then the very next time you try it, it can be bitter and hard to swallow. But the sweet days, oh the sweet days, are so intoxicating that you can almost forget when it disappoints…..almost.

I thought about the idea of making a scrumptious fruit salad. How cool would it be to take the best parts of each fruit and have them both at once? But honestly, this entire discussion is pointless because I cant have apples. Not anymore. I have developed a sensitivity to pectin or something and I can no longer eat them. If I did, it would be bad. I just wish I could make the orange a little more apple-like. Honestly, I really enjoy the excitement I get from the orange. It is a hell of a lot of fun. But I miss the reliability and the comfort of the apples. I don’t think the orange can ever be capable of providing me with that.

While I realize that there is a lot more fruit out there for me to taste, I know some things for sure.
~I have to stay away from the apples. Looking to them for comfort will only cause me to get a tummy ache.
~I cannot let myself get attached to the orange. Because there is a very real possibility that the fruit will turn bitter on me. And I don’t want to keep going back for another taste and get sour time after time. That doesn’t sound like fun.

I wish I didn’t like fruit so much. But I don’t think I would any be happier if I went the rest of my life without it. Whats that old saying? Its better to have tasted the fruit and gotten sick then never to have eaten fruit at all???

Yea. Something like that.

Monday, July 09, 2007

No more DQ Blizzards for lunch.

That pan post was incredibly cathartic. It really got me thinking. And now I want to elaborate on the whole deal and maybe dig a little deeper and see what I unearth.


You see, I have found myself falling into old patterns of self destruction. I have been making some really stupid decisions lately that are not in my best interest at all. And that’s nothing new for me. When I am dealing with things (or putting things off and waiting to deal with them as the case may be) I tend to seek out instant gratification without any care or concern of what tomorrow will bring. And especially at times like these, I really should concentrate on taking care of myself. I am too old to carry that state of mind. Really. I guess it was ok when I was in my early 20’s. The bad decisions and their consequences had a much lesser impact then. But now I have more to lose. And I am fucking smarter than that. I know I am but I am not behaving as such.


 I seriously piss myself off sometimes. I just wish I got me better. I do shit that makes no damn sense. And the thing is, outwardly, I am a very intelligent person. I have come so far in life. From where I was even just 5 years ago, to where I am right now is perfectly remarkable. But when I look at who I am today and the way I think and the way I act, I cannot fucking believe it. Like I have done all of this despite myself. I suppose the only bright side is that I have been here before. I am not in unfamiliar territory. And that helps to make me think that this too shall pass. I know that I will not only get through, I will overcome and come out stronger on the other side. But right now. Right now? NOT FUCKING GOOD.


I really would be much better off if I dealt with adversity better. If my struggles were met with more confidence and less of whatever the fuck I think I am doing to myself now.


Sheesh….hopefully by the time I hit the big Four-Oh I will have gotten my shit together.