No more DQ Blizzards for lunch.

That pan post was incredibly cathartic. It really got me thinking. And now I want to elaborate on the whole deal and maybe dig a little deeper and see what I unearth.

 

You see, I have found myself falling into old patterns of self destruction. I have been making some really stupid decisions lately that are not in my best interest at all. And that’s nothing new for me. When I am dealing with things (or putting things off and waiting to deal with them as the case may be) I tend to seek out instant gratification without any care or concern of what tomorrow will bring. And especially at times like these, I really should concentrate on taking care of myself. I am too old to carry that state of mind. Really. I guess it was ok when I was in my early 20’s. The bad decisions and their consequences had a much lesser impact then. But now I have more to lose. And I am fucking smarter than that. I know I am but I am not behaving as such.

 

 I seriously piss myself off sometimes. I just wish I got me better. I do shit that makes no damn sense. And the thing is, outwardly, I am a very intelligent person. I have come so far in life. From where I was even just 5 years ago, to where I am right now is perfectly remarkable. But when I look at who I am today and the way I think and the way I act, I cannot fucking believe it. Like I have done all of this despite myself. I suppose the only bright side is that I have been here before. I am not in unfamiliar territory. And that helps to make me think that this too shall pass. I know that I will not only get through, I will overcome and come out stronger on the other side. But right now. Right now? NOT FUCKING GOOD.

 

I really would be much better off if I dealt with adversity better. If my struggles were met with more confidence and less of whatever the fuck I think I am doing to myself now.

 

Sheesh….hopefully by the time I hit the big Four-Oh I will have gotten my shit together.

 

hopefully