Friday, October 05, 2007

Today is that day.

I have drawn the line.

On one side of that line is where I was the last few months. I seem to have forgotten that I have the power to control my circumstances. And in that memory lapse came a horrible struggle that left me feeling defeated. I haven't posted (or even written for that matter) since July. And the last two months have been crap piled on top of shit. Every time I tried to sit down and write all that would come out was whining and complaining about all the shit that was going on. And it wasn't helping at all. It just made me feel worse. It was a vicious cycle of self-pity and more bad energy that manifests from all that negativity. It was exhausting. And it left me feeling stressed out, and very unwell. I have written before about my tendencies to seek instant gratification when I am in times of turmoil. There is nothing to be gained instantly. Every bit of comfort I would seek would inevitably leave me feeling much worse in the end.

So here I am, on the other side of that line. Over here there is no more feeling sorry for myself. I just went back and re read my "Take the Power Back" post. (sorry no link, it shouldn't be too hard for you to find if you want to) and even though that post was born out of anger, I still need remember the strength I felt after writing it. It was incredibly empowering. And today, for the first time in months, I am starting to feel that power again. It is up to me to turn this around. No one will do this for me. Its my life, I'm driving the motherfucking bus right?!?! Its time to be good to myself. I am more than ready to leave the last few months far behind me.

Do you hear that friends? That's optimism in my voice.

Onward and upward.