On making change:

The only difference between a rut and a grave

 is their dimensions.  ~Ellen Glasgow

 

Why is it that instituting change is so damn hard? I can adapt well to change. I can manage changes. I can organize, illustrate, and plan changes. But for some reason, I cannot institute change. At least not where it matters…… Me.

 

I can (and have) come up with lists and lists of things I want to change about myself and my life. These lists can be (and have been) very specific with bullet points and action items. Not only can I recognize the need for change, I can plan the entire process of orchestrating the change beautifully. I can come up with a detailed, step by step plan of how to actually make the change, and still never follow through. The journey is completely mapped out for me, but I continually fail to leave the comfort of home base. Here is what gets me…. Where I am now, the metaphorical home base if you will, is not comfortable. I am not even happy for Pete’s sake. The delay in change and the turmoil I am feeling surrounding my failure to change is really wreaking havoc on my emotional well being.

 

So, here is the dealio. I am currently pretty stinkin unhappy with a bunch of crap in my life. My health, my finances, my ability to effectively manage my day to day life. And I know exactly what I am unhappy with. EXACTLY. Its not like I am struggling to identify what is bothering me. And if I know what is wrong, it is pretty simple to figure out what I want, right? It’s called clarity through contrast. Identifying what you don’t want leads you to know what it is that you DO want – which would be the opposite of what you don’t want…… DUH!!

 

OK so that is all good right? Recognizing the need for change and knowing what needs to be done to effect this change. Good. And good.

 

But the most important part, actually making the change, is where I fail time and time again. I don’t understand it. I am not afraid of change in any way. At least I don’t think I am. If you ask anyone who knows me in real life, they will tell you that I am sort of impulsive, a free spirit if you will. I have never once thought of myself as set in my ways. But I must be. I have to be for this to be so hard. Holy crap I might be having a breakthrough here.  I kind of want to poll my friends and family now to find out if they see me as stubborn and resistant to change. What if they do? WHAT IF THEY DO????? What if the image I have been holding of myself is completely incorrect? I don’t know if I am prepared to deal with that. 

 

But on the other hand, it might be easier for me to deal with. Because if I am stubborn, I can see that as a legitimate obstacle and work through it.  It certainly sounds better to me than having no clue why I have always seen such miserable failure in this arena.

 

Yea, I think I’m gonna roll with that. Maybe, just maybe, if I view myself as being completely obstinate I can focus on improving that, and I will be able to make other positive life changes in the process.

 

Hmmmm?