On topic.

Everything I have posted thus far on this blog has been fluff. This will be my first real post actually relating to the reason for and subject of this web log.

I need to find a job. A full time, for real grown up job. With a health plan, 401K, accrued vacation time, and other such benefits. Since I became a mother, what was best for my family naturally had the biggest influence on the decisions I've made. And that means, that for the last 6 years, I have sat behind a desk in an office for at least 40 hours a week. An office job was the perfect gig. No weekends or holidays, I usually only worked the hours that daycare was open, and generally the pay was enough to get us by. It was a smart move and it kept us going with only a limited amount of struggle. However, (and this is a BIG however) I HATE office work. I cannot stand sitting on my ass in front of a computer all day. I dont want to interact with the same people day after day. I dont want to wear uncomfortable business attire and be forced to be fake in order to fit into the corporate mold. I want to BE something. I want to CREATE something. I want more than just a freakin paycheck and a health plan. What my resume says, and what I actually want could not be more different. I am at the bottom of a huge mountian on my way to finding Carrie, and I am looking up at it suddenly realizing I have no climbing gear.

When I lie awake at night, I think about what I would like to do. How I would want to live if circumstance and situation were aligned and I could be doing whatever it is that I would enjoy. I think I would like to be a social or political activist. I am mouthy and opinionated enough to make a career out of standing up for something I believe in, or speaking out against something I believe to be wrong. I would like to work in a tattoo shop with people who truly understand and enjoy the beauty of art and self expression. People who, are not only not afraid to be different, but actually celebrate it. I want to be Oprah Winfrey, and have tons of money and do great things with it.
OK. That one was pushing it a bit.
I would love to be an artist and spend my days in a studio, full of passion and inspiration, creating beauty. But for that, I would need a talent that I do not possess. I would absolutley love to be in a position where I could help struggling single moms who are in a place similar to where I was after my divorce 4 years ago. Now that would be a truly rewarding endeavor.

But I need a job NOW. Life does not stop going on all around me just because I am having some sort of identity crisis. My bills wont stop coming to give me time to "find myself".

So how does one go about getting a brand new career when one's resume and experience reflect something else alltogether? I should also mention here that I live in a VERY economically depressed area. Most people work blue collar jobs with factories and coal mines being among the area's largest employers. I would actually be lucky to find ANY gainful employment at all. Especially employment where I do not have a long commute and have to put my kids in daycare for 10 hours a day.

So my next question is, (and bear with me here - I'm just thinking aloud) if a person spends 40+ hours a week at a job they find tedious and compeletly unfulfilling, can they possibly find time for other outlets and interests to give them life satisfaction? Is having some sort of personal passion enough? I cannot say with any amount of confidence that it would be for me. I know myself well enough that I dont believe that could ever be the case. But I suppose, for now, I dont really have any other options. I can certainly hope that I luck into a job that I dont hate. I will certainly make a promise to myself to always try to make the best out of any situation. And I will also have to be dilligent about finding out for certain just what it is that I want, and never stop working towards getting there.

To end this post, I will leave you with a little Bon Jovi.............

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
Its my life
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life