It's in the stars.

My horoscope today from MSN.com:

 

You could use the day's energy to put some enthusiasm into your current love affair. Indeed, if this area of your life needs revitalizing, you had better do something to whip it into shape. Take your sugar bunches out, pay attention to them, and give them a massage after a wonderful meal. Use your imagination, as you probably have the perfect trick right up your sleeve.

 

Hmm? I’m supposed to be massaging my sugar bunches after I eat? I wonder if I can do that at the table or if I should politely excuse myself and take care of that in private. I don’t know what or where the hell my sugar bunches are and I got no help whatsoever from Google. All I got there was the lyrics to “Sugar Pie Honey Bunch” Which Clay Aiken apparently recently reprised.

I bet Clay Aiken’s sugar bunches aren’t neglected. He probably has his massaged on a regular basis. Ryan Seacrest showed him how.

Who is going to show me?

If anyone out there has any insight into how I can rectify this little problem it would be much appreciated.

Seacrest isn’t returning my calls.

 

Simonds out.

 

 

 

WTF??

~I can’t sleep. I don’t know why it’s happening but it is really starting to piss me off. I am super tired all day and then I crash at like 9 o’clock at night. Fall right out. Then by 11ish I am wide awake and can’t fall back asleep until an hour or two before my alarm clock goes off. WTF? Maybe if I start getting good and drunk every night before bed I will be able to sleep through the night. I’ll start tonight. On my way home from work I will stop and get a gallon of cheap tequila. Chalupa Gold. Instead of a worm its got a Chihuahua in the bottom.

~Email blogging makes the spaces between my paragraphs huge. WTF? It’s not intentional but I don’t know how to make it not happen, so it stays. I know, it annoys me too. Deal with it.

~I am being heavily pursued by a married man. WTF? It’s not the first time in my life that I have been in this situation and I usually just blow him off totally. The problem here is that this dude is hot as fuck. In any other instance I would be all over that. Damn! I really wanna be all over that. By his actions, I can tell that he has stepped out before and probably will again. But I am still not going there. I may be a slut but I’m not a home wrecking slut.

~I can’t write for shit lately. I’m too wound up. I can’t write when I am wound up. When I am busy and anxious and stressed you get stupid posts like this one. WTF?

~I think the little orange kitty is sick. Which pisses me off because now I feel bad for the little guy and I don’t really even like him or want him and now he’s got me feeling sorry for him and sorta regretting beating him with my shoe when he shits on the floor. And now hes all sick and pathetic with one eye half closed and wheezing and snotting. And now I have guilt. And a vet bill. WTF? Stupid cat.

~My lovely Shay just took up the trumpet. Of all instruments my girl picks the trumpet. WTF? Its adorable and funny at the same time. I am excited for her, although not really thrilled at having to buy a damn trumpet. The kid really loves music, she is way into it and even introduced me to some stuff I may never have known I liked. I am a huge Jonas Brothers fan now because of her. Those kids rock. And that Joe Jonas? Oh yea. I would totally hit that. And he is like 20 yrs old so I can say that. And while I realize its still creepy and lecherous to say, its totally legal and I have probably done much worse things. Ahem, back to the trumpet. All I have to say is that I am eternally grateful for my ipod and extra strength Tylenol.

I love it!

This picture kills me. It cracks me the hell up every time I look at it.

I wonder if he slapped the bitch and took his fish back after the picture was taken.

Love it!

On work ...

Being a single mother, I don’t really have the option of being a stay at home mom. I have no idea how I could swing that and even if it did, I’m sure I wouldn’t enjoy standing in those long lines for my government cheese vouchers, and I don’t know if there are any federally sponsored programs that would subsidize the cost of my personal necessities like my cell phone, internet service, and semi-regular coffee stops. And because any sort of child support is a rarity for me, my family very much depends on my paychecks.

Fortunately for me I really enjoy my job, it is challenging and personally satisfying. But it isn’t without its drawbacks. I work incredibly long hours which means that a large portion of my pay goes towards childcare, which, when you think about it, doesn’t really make much sense. I am in the business of construction management which has traditionally been a mans game. And all of the men I work with who have children also have wives at home to help in the parenting. It is much easier for them to put in the long hours and that leaves me looking like a slacker when I am only able to work 10 or 11 hours on most days. Lucky for them, they can miss a soccer game here or there because mom will be there to cheer the kids on and shuttle them to and from. They don’t have to leave work when the school nurse calls or take a day off when their child is ill. It is perfectly normal and acceptable for them to come home late to find the kids fed, freshly bathed, and ready for bed. That kind of stuff can’t happen in my world. When I come home from a long days work, I still have my real job to do. There is no one at home taking care of the laundry or the kids while I am working. It will all be waiting there for me when I get home. What is the one thing that these men have that I don’t? No. Not that. That is not useful to me at all. The one thing that gives them a great advantage? A wife. Yeah. A wife. I need to get me one of those.

From what I understand a wife is a very handy thing to have around. And from what I remember of my experience, having a husband wasn’t all that helpful. Seemed to me like that whole situation was a lot more trouble than it was worth. But a wife is someone who takes care of things. Wives get stuff done. They are effective and invaluable for important and constructive things like running a home, making and keeping appointments, and staying organized. Picking up slack and tying loose ends. Having some help in those areas is exactly what I need. Sounds like a perfect solution. So where can I get me one of those wives? California?

All kidding aside, in reality necessity dictates that I have to get up every morning and go to work to support my family. And because I work with men who’s at home obligations are largely being covered by someone else, I have to work harder than would normally be necessary to compete with people who are able to give more than I am. I will admit that I feel that I am very fortunate to really love the job that keeps me away from my kids for so long, and allows us to live fairly comfortably on just my income. I just hope that someday my hard work and diligence will have paid off and I will have advanced in my field in such a way that I will be paid enough to employ some outside help. I think I will start researching Manny services now.

Yes, Jackass, it IS your fault.

I get this phone call from my ex-husband and he is singing the blues about domestic relations being all over him for child support. He is telling me that when he works 40 hrs a week after his wages are garnished his paycheck is only $130.

 

Boo frikkin hoo.

 

I am perfectly amazed that this man cannot grasp the understanding that it is entirely his fault that he makes $9 an hour at 38 years old. Seriously. In his fucked up head his circumstances are the result of shitty luck and life never giving him a break. Did his mother fuck him up good, or what?? Never once did it occur to him that having an employment history that consists of a string of zero skill, entry level, barely above minimum wage jobs could possibly be a factor. He probably averages 4 or 5 different jobs every year. Or could it possibly be his lengthy rap sheet that includes all sorts of drug offenses and drunken disorderly and DUI arrests that is hindering is employment options?

 

Hmm? I suppose the concept of staying at a job long enough to advance and working hard to get ahead is just completely foreign to him. No comprende.

 

And he also believes that I somehow achieved my success through “luck”. Of course! That must be it! Luck! It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I have remained steadily employed since our divorce. And that when I am at work I bust my ass and sometimes even willingly eat shit by the spoonful and pretend to like it because my boss is the one feeding it to me. It has nothing to do with the overtime and the Saturday hours. Nothing at all to do with bringing work home with me when I have an important deadline, or showing up every single day on time and prepared. Nope. It was all just a lucky break. Well he should be thankful that I am so lucky. Because this luck of mine has kept his children fed, clothed, housed, and insured for the past 6 years without ANY help from him. Good thing I am so lucky huh??

 

 

 

 

Hysterical!!

The following conversation occurred in my car just yesterday on the way home from soccer practice:

Jared: Playing with his wrestling action figure. “Girls don’t like wrestling, they only like shopping”

Shay: rolling her eyes “There are lots of girl wrestlers Jared.”

Me: “That’s right, as a matter of fact, when I was a kid I wanted to be either a lady wrestler or a bus driver when I grew up”

Shay: “Did you want to be a school bus driver?”
Me: “No. I wanted to be a city bus driver, you know, the busses with the big steering wheels?”  still thinking it would be pretty cool to drive one of those things…

Shay: “Good. I don’t think you would make a very good school bus driver. You would probably yell at the kids to shut the eff up and get fired.”

Does my girl know me or what??  I am still laughing about that one!

 

 

 

There is an up side.

I found an up side to the wretched mood I was in yesterday.

It sure gave me some fire to fuel a grueling workout.

I can barely lift a pencil today, but I sure as hell feel less angry and stressed.

 

And I still haven’t smoked!

 

Go me!